My God

i don't want to follow. let me lead. i know you see it in me. i want to see it in myself.

shine on soul, shine on.

not

much to do today.

patiently awaiting the beautiful holiday on friday. wishing i could've gotten my parents all that they ever wanted. even those presents that their parents couldn't get them when they were younger. i want them to get away for a while, without a care in the world. kick back on a sandy beach with the sun shining on them and a light breeze cooling them off from the heat of the sun rays. i miss the relationship that i had with my dad when i was younger. i wonder if he can read my eyes. and know that i am longing for those jokes he used to tell, missing the songs i used to sing to him as he would lay his head in my small lap after a long day of work.

i want to tell him everything. because i know he would tell me what i needed to know about everything. and that everything wouldn't seem like that monster under the bed. because my daddy would know about that everything monster and he would make it all better, and he would make it all nice for me.

........................................

my heart beats faster these days and my breath is short.
i'm alive and hurting.
i'm hurting but i'm well.
so this is 20.

race heart race

my hands are old.
my eyes are burning.
skin bare.
heart racing.
lips together, and still.
mind rocked.

pursuit

i woke up this morning, feeling so relaxed. the sleep was what i needed.

5:30ish

i woke up earlybird. not being able to fall back to sleep. have a headache and my tummy hurts.

thoughts: christmas, family, wrapping gifts, making gifts, money, jamal, my stomach, school, work

listening to: ingrid michaelson

LOVE

....................................

went on a run just to find out i'm insane. insane with this life, and the world that surrounds me. wanting to dive deep, wanting to run and hide. i'm never figured out. i won't ever be.

i find beauty in the insanity.

fix

i had to delete my first entry. like a journal or diary there are things that you write and you remember and when you remember what you've written you can't stand what you've decided to document. i don't want to be a hypocrite. i want to be human. imperfect and innocent to the touch of something that is beyond you and i.

thoughts/reasonings: i can't live for you and you and you. i want to be naked and vulnerable but on steady ground and i feel as though i am. my eyes are open, and so is my heart. ready for molding, but there are parts of my soul that have been made concrete.

i've got to take each day like it is the best gift i have ever been given. i must love every soul that comes into my life sincerely and i know i will.  i want to be.

take my hand...

ramp

i'm on a ramp walking slowly and all i see is blue and bright orange and yellow. can't stay in the middle of the ramp or it'll break before i reach the top, and i might fall to the bottom.

"follow your heart even through doubt and uncertainty. smile at even the small things and laugh a lot. yup. :)"  asked for advice from an amazing, kind, loving, gentleman. that is what he sent me. (via text)

how great that was to read in my hours of training today. reading through packets of outdated manuals. signing my name over and over with date and time. skimming over those countless pages hoping that i could retain a little something from it all.

after hours i went to campus and put books in some boxes that will be sent soon. as i was doing this my heart smiled. although my day wasn't spectacular and full of events, i was happy with how i spent it. satisfied that i wasn't tied up in rubbish.

i wrote a beginning to a song as i was sitting and waiting to finish one last sheet of paper that needed signing. it was so exciting!

i think i'll post that along with some others some other time.

when in doubt, smile. that smile will turn into a laugh. that laugh will be remembered by someone.

chitty chitty bang bang.

done

done

done

done

my heart was about to bust out of my chest last night. thinking too much about everything.


heart heavy, thoughts running the fastest rest.


come what may.


...............................................


it's 11:20pm i'm sitting and waiting for bed sort of.


thinking about my sister. she's out with friends, and i hope that she is warm and smiling.


i asked a friend that if she had any advice for me right now, what would it be. she answered (via text) that, "life is too short to be anything but happy." i will live by that. i will strive to breath that in every morning, i know it's in the fall of the trees this winter and the melting of the snow. it's everywhere. in all seasons of every year. i just need to listen and grow with that beautiful advice. and grow into the me that i know i can be.


i feel this abundant comfort coming from above. i know that whatever i do, i will be okay. how comforting is that? not a soul can break that promise. (the only one that could break that is myself, and i will never.)


i'm breathing, i'm okay.
.........................................................


dear santa,


i am growing up. so i don't need much at all. but read below if you'd like!


christmas wish list:
family family family (happenin)
singing in choir, church choir.
dancing to some hip hop. hard core hip hop.
J A M A L A U S T I N  for days.


much thanks and peace

frozen windows

It's so nice to see the sun. 

Thoughts: your laugh, your smile, the way your body hugs mine. time, laughing, crying. leaving this place for good. for good. 

Eating: peaches

Location: Dinner table 

Aroma: Home

Wanting: 

Needing: 

Listening to: "Middle Distance Runner" by sea wolf 

Self pity is the biggest sucker EVER. Let me wallow, with a smile. 

sick

I feel sick. Not sure if I want to  take shower, although I can now. Don't really care.


I want to go home and not go to this 7 hour training session for a CPR/ADE/First Aid certificate. (7 hours?) Obviously I just want to complain today.


Alone. Emotionally alone. And it really sucks, because lately that's what's become my life.




I want to go back to bed.




Listening to: "Leason learned" by Ray LaMontagne

Celebration and loud commotion

The evening started at the Pershing Center in Lincoln Nebraska. Big Stage City Championship, was the name of the karaoke contest. I was entered in the contest along with my good friend Janette Osoro. Janette had told me of the contest a month before and how she had tried for the win last year, but wasn't able to perform. I was excited to see what this karaoke contest had to offer and what I could bring to it! 


My sister and I got in the "green stead" sudan, and headed for the Pershing Center. When we arrived Janette was there and was walking in. There was small talk and then we all walked in together. After finished getting ready we entered the performance area, nerves more excited, smiles bigger. Janette was the second to go - she rocked it. I didn't go until the second to last group of eight. (My sister was getting weary. I was so happy to have her there with me, although it was getting late. So happy to be sitting with two beautiful and strong black women.) 


There were a lot of great performers. In the end there were only nine out of the forty some performers that made it into the finals. I wasn't one, but Janette was. She sang "Hurt" by Christina Aguleria, and filled the entire center with her angelic voice. All eyes were on her as she told a story. The final nine sang, with such vigor and were hungry for a prize. The judges finished writing their notes and handed them into the host. They started with fifth place. (Went to a funny guy who sang "Legalize it," he was so drunk and so entertaining.) Fourth, third, and second place went to those two guys and that one girl. First place... JANETTE OSORO! Crowd cheered with satisfaction, knowing that right performer was rewarded. 


The contest started at seven. We left Lincoln around midnight, the drive home with the winner was kind of amazing. Lots of great conversation, as usual. We were both hungry when we got back into Crete. We made some food, we were getting ready to eat and watch a movie with Sagen and Joe. (Dumb and Dumber-er wahhh it was alright, I guess.)


I was ready for bed. Janette and I sleep on bunks and I sleep on the top. I left the movie and climbed up. I was talking with Jamal and my phone died. There is a book shelf that is next to the bunk bed. The top shelf holds a vase, a lamp, and another decoration. There is a white extension cord that the lamp and my charger are plugged into. I was ready to plug my phone in, call Jamal back, and turn off the light and go to bed. Instead I reached and put too much weight on the top shelf. The shelf fell through, and I fell with it. Everything broke. Good thing I didn't, there was just blood. Blood from my hand and later found out from my right side of my stomach.  (This is really choppy. Oh well.)


So lucky to have those three there. Sagen, Joe, and Janette heard the commotion and found me on the ground with the broken everything.They helped me chill out and wrap up the cuts. I went to the hospital with the lovely Deb and Janette and got stitches in my side and thumb. Fifteen all together. Twelve in my stomach and three in my thumb, and glue in the crease of my forefinger. The numbing part of it all sucked but I'm glad that it's all patched up. 


Late nights and early mornings...